Grades

A teacher was too busy with the television to mark his students' coursework

He instead opted to base the grades on their heights

Scuttling through the work he noticed none required the students to measure themselves

He pondered the situation as Alan Titchmarsh potted a pansy whilst wearing his new gardening shoes

The speed at which Titchmarsh traversed the lawn seemed unattainable in typical footwear

He assigned them random heights

That seemed like the fairest option given the circumstances