Poet Authority Poem Terminal

Spent three days flirting with a Halloween decoration,

Before realising his mistake.

Children heard tell of this.

Sweet wrappers fluttered out the door and scattered across the street.

Her husband cowered.

Paula was furious.

She made him go outside in his pyjamas and handle the mess.

Some witch,

With her beaky nose,

And bony old fingers,

Rode to the shops on her broom and bought a cauldron.

When adoption agencies visit she'd throw a table cloth over it and try not to cackle.

She was caught by surprise and stabbed him through the heart with a stake (the stake previously served as a Halloween decoration).

Vlad stumbled to the ground and his canines fell out.

Mina felt very guilty this had happened.

She spent hours on it.

Carefully scooping out the innards.

Sculping the features.

Juggling knives to suit the finer details.

Once it was complete she sat back and admired it.

I tried to explain they'd sent me an invite last week,

That I expected to be fed.

They simply groaned at me.

After a while I established that they were now zombies.

I closed the front door for them and went to buy a ready meal.

Probably caused by a gust of wind.

But she wasn't to know

So it made her jump.

Ate a rat

And saw a bat

And another cat.

Then he remembered he was German.

Then he remembered he was in Germany.

So not that unusual, really.

He tried to explain to the man winching it out,

And some divers who had gathered round,

How really the thing should float on account of the air in the tyres and such.

The men kept tutting and didn't really seem to be paying attention.

Well, that was being a little generous.

It was more of a closet/cupboard (ditto).

But it had a hot plate screwed to the wall

And if she was really careful

And kept the lids on her pans

She could sort of cook on there.

But after weeks of stalking

He'd worked out the schedule of his favourite lifeguard.

He went to the local pool

Floundered for a while,

And ultimately was rescued by her.

Beyond that things didn't really work out and Roy ended up in prison.

Got real hollow

And broke into a bank.

Once inside he gulped down lots of gold

And was too heavy to outrun the police.

Suddenly he found himself addicted.

He began biting Alison's nails as she slept.

Alison woke and tried to scratch her head.

She missed the target owing to her shorter nails.

She looked over at Edward.

He snored, slathered in nail crumbs.

A woman

And Pat

A man

Got muddled and started going to each other's arrangements.

So Pat was going to football practice

And Pat was getting his nails done

And everyone was fine with that.

(Apart from Pat's manicurist who was appalled by the state of his nails and the amount of work it took to get them in shape, and she'd had enough of hearing stats for the Premier League's top players)

Gathered round starving children and race horses and other things rich people like

And chuckled at the idea of being called scum.

They unlatched some fun new badges they'd affixed to their lapels.

Jabbed the pin parts into the kids and laughed ever so much.

Boris Johnson waddled about sloshed to hell and kept asking if any of the children were his.

Kirby ate his friends.

He dressed up as them.

Did their jobs for a while.

Then became bored with the whole thing.

He missed his friends.

He wished he didn't eat them.

He relaxed in what was previously the kitchen.

While it was now obviously a bedroom

The ordeal still felt a bit quirky.

Shaved off his moustache.

When he went to work the next day no one recognised him.

Everyone kept asking where the Mario guy had gone.

He then informed his wife he'd slept with 46 women in the past week.

She was furious.

And Nick was very sticky

Because it was raining.

He started getting off with the carpets.

The staff came running!