Poet Authority Poem Terminal

Trevor Omicron had been learning to count all the way to ten (and back down again - important).

Every party was desperate to drag him along.

With so many invites he felt almost overwhelmed.

But he'd press on,

Make one hell of a night of it.

After some careful consideration,

She concluded it was her turn to be Queen.

At first he used it to mix ordinary things,

Like flour and eggs and butter.

Eventually curiosity good the better of him.

He'd throw in new ingredients,

Like hair and rope and leather straps.

None of this tasted very good,

And these experiments ended up breaking his mixer,

Which was a bit of a relief to be honest.

He sat atop and declared himself king.

Police tried to coax him down with free comedy tickets.

Eventually they'd have to think up a plan B.

He'd carved his way through three turkeys.

Given Brussels sprouts another regrettable shot.

And consumed eight boxes of chocolates.

All of this culminated in Tony crashing under the tree.

His headache immense.

His mouth loaded with sugar.

He reached up to the tinsel.

Tried to floss his teeth with it.

He quickly sliced off a hand and wrapped it.

John hoped it would make him seem at least a little creative.

For the rest of the morning he wore a glove to avoid spoiling the surprise.

He also ate a lot of things that required ketchup to conceal any spillages.

And tried to maintain consciousness.

Victoria eventually gave in and ordered a second tree for herself (they have the income to support such extravagance).

David went on to use the two trees as goalposts and showed off his dead ball skills to any visitors.

Joan made Harold dress up like Santa.

She pumped away ferociously.

Harold found the beard irritating,

And Joan's constant demands to say "ho ho ho" quite off-putting.

Now there sits a star.

Santa was appalled.

He moved production to India and ignored their calls.

He went about a solution by climbing up Ben Nevis.

At the summit he unveiled several buckets and loaded the containers with snow.

He carried these home and dumped them around his artificial tree.

The snow quickly melted and saturated the carpets.

Another problem.

After two hours he lost his bearings.

After four hours he'd eaten his sandwich

And felt even further from home.

After three days he met a woman.

She attached pigeons to him and ordered them to fly him home.

Angus attached a thank you note to one of the pigeon's ankles and sent them back.

I said to the man offering me a cigarette.

I don't drink,

I said to the man offering me a drink.

And then I went home.

Mrs Claus blamed Hugh (one of the elves).

He gave chase.

His beret detached,

Landing in a nearby puddle.

His cravat snagged on a weather worn fence.

Eventually he cut his losses.

They had doubled their efforts after Santa sat at the conveyor belt,

Guzzling down half of them.

Tony and Doris arranged an urgent Christmas party.

The office descended on a nearby Pret and selected their wraps, toasties, etc.

Sloshed bottles of champagne down their gullets and insisted the manager crank up the music.

Mary was shipped off to the Foodhall to pick up a Colin the Caterpillar.

Which he had since misplaced.

For this he got in quite a lot of trouble.

His arguments were however quite sound.

Bank cards, keys, money.

All of the things that had gone missing in his past.

None of that seemed like a big deal.

This though?

This one was a nightmare.

She overcame this by getting into tarot card reading.

Which is to say I suspect she didn't get over it at all.

The other footballers were outraged.

He is dragging me to the supermarket.

Picking out meals for himself.

Having learned to operate the microwave he targets ready meals.

He likes chicken curries.

There is no money left for my own meals.

I am watching him.

He sits on the couch with the television on,

Chomping away at the plate's contents.

There is hunger in my eyes.

My dog does not care.

My dog is eating sausages.

Dinner on my lap.

Snooker on the television.

There's a dopey look upon his face,

As though he has no idea what he's doing.

My dog is eating two of my sausages.

I am losing weight.