Tinder
Jeff ran out of room.
He used his Christmas gifts as tinder.
He started to feel a bit dizzy,
And began to wonder about potential consequences from the plastics.
Posts
Showing posts from December, 2024
Christmas Dinner
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Droy surprised everyone,
By preparing Christmas dinner in advance.
All that remained was reheating the McDonald's.
Jingles
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Santa went a bit too heavy on Christmas eve.
He had some elves remove the bells from his reindeer,
So he wouldn't have to listen to those damn things rattling away.
Insight
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Sebastian took his date to the aquarium.
He pointed at the fish.
'Look at that fish'
He'd say
'It's a fish'
His date nodded.
Not Good
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'This is NOT good'
Said the main character.
As the city subtly explodes around him.
Biscuit Barrel
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Minty messaged his friends.
'I want a new nickname'
He said.
'I think "Biscuit Barrel" would be good.
Additionally, I think it would be appropriate
If I had a constant supply of biscuits,
To ensure the name is fitting.'
Gun
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Chad bought a gun.
He practised doing cool rolls while holding his gun.
And shot himself with his gun.
And died by his gun.
Apples
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Mills ordered 365 apples.
Got in touch with his doctor,
Told him to take a year off.
Ladder
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A fireman forgot his ladder.
When the press came the other firemen pointed at him.
Touch
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Jeff grew his hair.
Ingrid fondled it.
'I like your hair'
Said Ingrid.
Jeff panicked.
What if his hair fell out?
What if this panicking sped up the process?
Skater
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Claud took up skateboarding.
To impress a nurse.
Who was currently tending to his ankles.
James Bond
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M signed James Bond up for courses
To help him break the habit of saying his name after every sentence.
Which was beginning to cause major issues with security.
Additional Short Stories
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I wrote more. They're here. The Beckham one is a continuation of the poem entitled 'Round' but I think you'll get along fine just imagining David Beckham in a hole.
1. Tom Jones and the Microphone
Tom Jones once turned up to a concert only to discover staff forgot to set up a microphone. He told them not to worry, climbed on stage, and belted out the hits. The arena shook and audience members suffered ruptured eardrums. It turns out the microphone actually serves to tame his powerful vocals.
2. A Conversation with Kate Middleton
Queen of England Kate Middleton got in touch to tell me love is the greatest gift of all. I asked how tidy the servants are keeping Kensington Palace and whether she was planning on pumping out any other bold statements from the ramparts. She asked me to check back in a year or so, see what comes up.
3. Advice for James Corden
James Corden hired me to improve his image. I recommended he always carry a bag of toffees when he's out and about and offer them to people who stop him. That way other members of the public will see him handing out toffees and think he's alright. I am yet to receive payment.
4. Collecting Beckham
Victoria Beckham came to collect her husband, David. We hired a winch to pull him from his hole, which he refused to attach until coaxed by the erection of goal posts with a target in the top right corner and the forming of a wall. He sculpted his hair into curtains and insisted the country needed him.
5. Meeting Zack Snyder
Zack Snyder asked me for advice on improving his movies. I recommended incoherent stories, more slow motion, and acting like whatever he makes is the biggest franchise in the world before a single piece of content has been released. All of this was said sarcastically. He did not detect the sarcasm.
Contact
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Janet, Banet, Panet, and Lanet,
Used a Ouija board.
They got in touch with a ghost that couldn't spell.
Grew frustrated at having to ask for corrections.
Duty
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Santa assigned one of his elves
To shopping for Mrs Claus's Christmas presents.
And another two elves,
To fetching biscuits,
And praising his ability to delegate.
Surgery
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A surgeon wore his Santa hat to work.
When he leaned forward the pom-pom dipped into his patient.
Blood stained the white ball.
The surgeon cried.
Corden
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James Corden,
Began carrying a bag of toffees,
As he explored his beloved city.
He offered them to members of the public,
Hoped others would notice,
And think he's an alright guy.